Good news and bad news this week. Central and Eastern Europe is really under the cosh: several countries have registered record temperatures, with Slovakia hitting a new high of 42C. Italy issued extreme heat warnings to all 27 of its major cities, warning people to avoid direct sunlight between 11am and 6pm. Poland was forced to shut down two powerplants because of soaring temperatures, while the Robert Koch Institute has estimated that 11,900 have been killed in Germany this summer by the excessive heat. Meanwhile, much of the continent has been incinerated and drought stalks the land. That’s not very good, is it?

So, where’s that good news referred to at the start of this screed? Well, I’m sure you’ll all join me in rejoicing that eight of our beloved oil companies have collectively made profits of £67 BILLION in the last three months, with President Trump’s gloriously bungled attempt to overthrow the Iranian government lending a supreme hand in securing the bumper payday. £67 billion. That’s really very impressive, isn’t it? I mean, us peasants might be paying increasingly crippling amounts for our fuel while that very same fuel is unmistakably setting the world on fire but at least some people are making some hay out of it all. That counts for something, doesn’t it?

What else is going on? The desolately, incorrigibly idiotic Daily Telegraph continues on its little Road to Damascus re climate change – though, naturally, the path is laden with caveats, as discussed last week. The new script is, climate change is real but scrap net zero – because, you know, why shouldn’t a few enterprising individuals make a few (billion) quid if they can (see above), while we hurtle towards extinction? Clever, isn’t it? (It isn’t.)

Let’s have a recap: Europe is heating up quicker than anywhere else on Earth; this June was the hottest ever recorded on the continent; the UK recorded it’s hottest ever May day (35.1C); last month was the driest ever July in England and Wales; and we have devasting wildfires, drought, imminent crop failures and now the unspeakable horror that shoppers have been driven away from the high street by the balmy conditions.

Meanwhile, the very firms that perpetuated this disaster, and have spent the last four decades aggressively lying about it via various abysmal media outlets/abysmal public figures’ mouths, are raking in cash faster than ever before. YET, according to those very same dishonest media outlets and diabolical people, it’s the green energy initiatives, net zero, ecological protections, Ed Miliband, Chris Packham, etc who are the truly sinister, dangerous enemies of human freedom, common sense, and so on.

That they’ve managed the feat of persuading vast amounts of people that the fossil fuel firms are the most trustworthy actors is nothing short of breathtaking (literally, if you’re in Slovakia this week). And I don’t know if it’s because their marketing has been exceptionally well designed and hypnotic or if their target audience really is that unforgivably stupid.

Either way, climate change is gazing into our windows now, oozing in through the walls, turning our bedrooms into bakeries, desiccating our crops, supping our reservoirs. The solution? Burn more hydrocarbons. And there’s the sleight of hand: climate change doesn’t exist, so keep burning hydrocarbons; ok, climate change does exist, so keep burning hydrocarbons. No matter what, keep burning hydrocarbons. Burn burn burn. Drill, baby, drill.

So, here’s to Alison Pearon, Allister Heath, Jeremy Clarkson, James Delingpole, Nigel Farage, Richard Tice, Kemi Badenoch, Piers Corbyn, Matt Hancock, Toby Young, Charles Moore, Liz Truss…sorry, this list is making me feel awfully sick, so I’d better stop. Here’s to all those who have invested so much time in trying to convince everyone else that the entire scientific community is wrong/lying/hysterical/deranged.

Here’s to all of them, and I leave you with this from Kafka: It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.

Bye.