“Property. The whole f*****g thing’s about property.” (The Thin Red Line, 1998)

Our burning little ball of space-zipping rock has become such a silly place lately that new frontiers in silliness are often hard to detect – rather, incidents merge into the grim ocean of daftness that pervades our increasingly heated lives (think Boris Johnson’s innumerable disgraces, Trump’s demented pronouncements, Nigel Farage, Brexit, etc).

So, for something silly to stand out these days, it’s got to be really, really silly – and, lo, it has come to pass!

As Europe recorded its hottest ever June temperatures (following May’s record-breaking heights) stalwart defenders of common sense flocked to sweltering London to attend the Alliance for Responsible Citizenship (ARC) conference.

Over 4,000 ruddy no-nonsense types sweated it out listening to top thinkers such as Trumpian energy secretary Chris Wright, Tory boss Kemi Badneoch, top snob Charles Moore, eugenics fanboy Toby Young, and, of course, Nigel Farage. (Honestly, check out the full list of speakers here – Melanie Phillips! Claire Fox! Michael Gove! – it’s like a Halloween party for people deemed too ghoulish for normal Halloween parties.)

Interestingly, or not, a figure frequently targeted for ridicule and scorn at the gruesome gathering was energy secretary Ed Miliband – an entirely innocuous character who’s truly done very little to tackle the issue of impending planetary collapse. Nevertheless, Britain’s most famous bacon-sandwich-demolisher was viciously castigated for his woke net-zero ways, with the ever-thoughtful Badenoch (“Attack Iran, Starmer, you coward!”; “Don’t attack Iran, Starmer, you coward”) declaring him a “villain”.

As I, along with some genuinely intelligent people, have pointed out repeatedly, there’s a strong and perhaps curious link between hot-headed folk who refuse to countenance the irrefutable fact that our planet’s delicate life-sustaining systems are being dismantled by human behaviour, and those who already entertain reactionary ideas.

And it has come to pass again: the egregious event also featured herds of individuals who are extremely upset about both multiculturalism and abortion.

In fact, the atrocious assembly was sponsored by fossil fuel companies and anti-abortionist groups (GB News owner Paul Marshall also apparently chucked in a few quid) so it’s unlikely Chris Packham, say, was invited.

Thus, 4,000 geniuses came together to denounce climate action, in London, on the hottest UK June day ever recorded. How long before even the most committed Daily Express and Telegraph readers start to drift away from all of this? I mean, even they can’t keep this up forever…can they?

Let’s say it out loud: fossil fuel interests are determined to keep their dominion intact – if that means co-opting people who are hysterical about abortion or that are scared of brown faces because enlisting those on the left to their cause is impossible, then so be it. The politics is virtually irrelevant. Property/capital first: planetary survival a distant second.

Though the ARC conference might have been packed with people who profess a deep connection with Jesus Christ, it seems not all dedicatees of our Lord and Saviour are as fastidiously muddleheaded about climate change.

Produced by the Church of England’s Faith and Order Commission on behalf of the House of Bishops (there’s a house full of bishops out there, somewhere, then) a new teaching document takes quite the reverse view on the crisis that’s now so obviously in play that even former transport secretary Chris Grayling (Britain’s thickest man) would be able to put two and two together (though, thinking about it, possibly not).

Writing in the holy document, the Archbishops of Canterbury and York declare that caring for the environment is “an essential part of following Jesus”.

They won’t like that down at the New Church of the All-New Jesus, led by Deacon T Robinson and Cardinal J Peterson. They’ll like even less the anti-consumerist tone peppered throughout the faithful manuscript. Woke AND communist?!

Anyhow, let’s end on something cheerful. Only joking! The RSPB has warned that Britain’s bird populations are under increasing threat from climate change, with some seabird species predicted to potentially decline by more than 70% by 2050 because of warmer seas and stronger storms.

Asked about this issue, delegates at the ARC conference replied that they “don’t like the taste of puffin anyway” so it “hardly seems to matter”.