As we glare at the dismal spectacle of celebrity race-baiter Nigel Farage desperately trying to avoid scrutiny of his ‘gifts’, and marvel at the very real possibility that he might be defeated in the by-election he himself instigated by an alien entity that dresses as a bin (Come on, Count!), it’s easy to forget about the oppressive heat.

Only kidding. I don’t sleep anymore. I’ve given up. How about you?

After 40+ years of climate modelling that pointed to dire consequences if the human race didn’t take urgent action, the long-predicted morass is here. Turns out (turns out, turns out) the hundreds of thousands of experts from a vast array of specialised disciplines had clear and correct ideas about the physical properties of the world, while the fossil fuel firms, the reactionary politicians, and the right-wing news outlets and their continually duped followers were wrong. Who knew?

Anyway, let’s get on with the horrorshow.

The owner of the Jackdaw North Sea gas field has been and done a report, so it has, that probes whether the project’s emissions might exacerbate our ongoing climate issues. Guess what? Adura found that its plans won’t “materially influence” global warming. Thanks for that. I think we can all move on.

Meanwhile, last month was officially Western Europe’s hottest ever June (if you needed confirmation). The unpleasant record was revealed by the loathed EU’s Copernicus Climate Change Service, which might bring some comfort to minds that congenitally distrust the pronouncements of continentals and can therefore consider the datasets invalid.

But oh no! The worryingly British-sounding Samantha Burgess, Strategic Lead for Climate at the European Centre for Medium-Range Weather Forecasts, has bloomin’ well chimed in, hasn’t she: “June 2026 underscored how profoundly the climate is changing. Western Europe recorded its warmest June on record, and continued record warmth in the global ocean. Together, these records reflect a climate system continuing to accumulate heat. The result is increasingly intense heatwaves, a persistently warm ocean, and growing risks for people, ecosystems and infrastructure across Europe and beyond.”

If gloomy outbursts such as Burgess’ alarm/annoy you, alternative, salubrious views can be sourced in such esteemed outlets as the Sun, the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, GB News and, of course, the Daily Telegraph, where reality is posited as a sort of lifestyle choice.

Talking of reality and choices, Tory commander Kemi Badenoch has chosen her preferred realism: people wishing to stand as conservative parliamentary candidates (if there are any) will be barred from doing so if they espouse pro-net zero views, with the troubled leader declaring that she wants teachers and builders to represent her troubled party. I didn’t know that teachers and builders unanimously felt negatively towards net zero policies. I feel like I still don’t know it.

Now, how about this: silly old Policy Exchange has felt the urge to release a paper warning about the threat of foreign states making climate change “reparations” claims against the UK. That doesn’t sound very nice, does it?

The daft thinktank thinks the bill could reach into the £trillions after “the International Court of Justice (ICJ) issued an advisory opinion that countries have binding legal duties to prevent climate harm”.

And this is quite funny: PE proudly lists the respected organs that covered the launch of its foreboding document –

• The Times
• The Telegraph
• Express
• GB News (1)
• GB News (2)
• The Spectator.

Ha. No doubt they all lapped it up like Zeus supping ambrosia from Hera’s shoulders – climate change hysterics AND greedy, lazy, litigious foreigners in one report? Payday. (And I don’t know why GB News is listed twice. Perhaps they forgot they’d already done it.)

Right. I’ve had enough. Too hot. I’ll end with some bird news, which is becoming a bit of a theme. The dotterel, a delightful wading bird from the plover family that likes to hang out in the Scottish Highlands, has seen its numbers drop by 89% since 1988. The RSPB is warning that the animal will likely disappear from the British Isles completely as climate change ravages its habitat.

Dr Leah Kelly, RSPB conservation scientist, said: “Dotterel are in steep decline, and we are seeing them disappearing before our very eyes.

“The fact they need mountaintops to breed has made them particularly susceptible to habitat loss as climate change alters their montane environment.”

And that’ll do for this week. Stay cool.