Hello, readers of news on the internet. I was going to try and compile a list of all the ‘best bits’ from my snarky roundups, but it was too much effort. It’s all too much effort. Ask the world’s governments. So, welcome to my lacklustre tapestry of all things dreadful, which I’ve rather pulled together from the fragments of my own mind.

America didn’t attend COP30. Didn’t fancy it. The earth’s 2^nd greatest carbon-emitter and largest oil producer was doing something else that week. Not that it mattered. Other nations managed to turn the thing into an ineffectual fiasco even without DJ Trump blundering about the event like a carthorse on Mogadon.

The hated and vilified BBC has produced a neat roundup of the pointless shambles here.

Meanwhile, the Arctic has experienced its hottest ever year. According to the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Arctic Report Card 2025:

• Surface air temperatures across the Arctic from October 2024 through September 2025 were the warmest recorded since 1900
• Autumn 2024 and winter 2025 were especially warm across the Arctic with temperatures ranking 1st and 2nd warmest, respectively
• The last 10 years are the 10 warmest on record in the Arctic
• Since 2006, Arctic annual temperature has increased at more than double the global rate of temperature changes
• Precipitation from October 2024 to September 2025 set a new record high.

Well done, everybody! Triumph after triumph after triumph, isn’t it? Also, I suspect the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration will be closed down after Christmas by the regime that loves freedom of speech so much that it’s made it its business to simplify and purify it. Because, you know, too much speech causes confusion.

Moving on, this man has turned climate change to his advantage by apparently successfully growing olives in Lincolnshire. Millions displaced, devastating floods, record-breaking temperatures leading to hundreds of thousands of premature deaths, vast forest fires – finally the pay off. Olives. In Lincolnshire.

What else? This: evil woke scientists have warned the government to prepare for dramatic temperature rises and large sea level rises. Outrageous! Because, you know (you know, you know, you know), ‘experts’ are always wrong and you should listen to Jeremy Clarkson, the Daily Mail, the Sun, the Telegraph, Alison Pearson, DJ Trump, Nigel Farage, Neil Oliver, GB News etc etc etc.

These esteemed and steamy and steaming people and institutions live for the ‘truth’. They may not know what they’re talking about; they may lack a basic understanding of the underlying science; they may in some cases be borderline psychotic; but the ‘truth’ is what matters to them. And that’s a fact. And facts trump ‘truth’. Except when ‘truth’ trumps facts. And that’s another fact (that’s also ‘true’).

Let’s end with some good news (it is Christmas). The detested and distrusted and communist/fascist BBC has knocked out this list of seven wins for nature and the climate in 2025, which is quite uplifting. And who doesn’t like a bit of uplift these days?

Anyhow, I do hope you all have a tiptop Christmas and so on. I might continue with these roundups next year, but, really, I think I’m, like the big gorgeous green and blue ball we live on, close to done.