Warm ocean fans, rejoice, for the world’s greatest bodies of H2O have managed to break temperature records every single day over the course of the last tumultuous year.

Pretty soon, fish eaters will be able to consume their salty favourites ready-stewed – yet another innovation courtesy of climate change.

However, though the bubbling brine has largely been put down to the human propensity for releasing vast amounts of occluding gasses into the forever-pestered atmosphere, avid climate change denialists can take some comfort from the fact that part of the blame is being laid at the feet of the mercurial El Niño weather phenomenon – so there’s still some wiggle room for continuing to declare that global warming is ‘all made up’ and that esteemed intellectuals such as Alison Pearson and James Delingpole know much better (they can ‘sense’ it).

The data affirming the sultry chaos comes from the hated EU’s Copernicus Climate Service, which additionally revealed that last month was the steamiest April on record for air temperatures – but, you know, that’s what the EU reckon, and we know what they’re like.

Anyway, below the waves, coral bleaching is accelerating and marine fauna across the seaboard is suffering. But that’s all mostly out of sight, thankfully.

Clearly determined to be ridiculed, labelled an agent of some secretive world elite, and sent deaths threats, the British Antarctic Survey’s Prof Mike Meredith spake: “The fact that all this heat is going into the ocean, and in fact, it’s warming in some respects even more rapidly than we thought it would, is a cause for great concern.

“These are real signs of the environment moving into areas where we really don’t want it to be and if it carries on in that direction the consequences will be severe.”

Well done, everybody!

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The UN’s outgoing (as in he’s leaving the position, not that he’s extremely social, but he might be, I dunno) special rapporteur on human rights and the environment has slammed the global economy’s addiction to massively exploiting human beings and nature generally, which is driving climate change.

“There’s something wrong with our brains that we can’t understand how grave this is,” said David Boyd to the Guardian, who wrote it down and put it on the internet where I found it and then repeated it here.

In fact, read the proper article here.

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What’s to be done, eh? Well, abandoning flights to soothing holiday destinations certainly doesn’t look like its going to become part of the solution any time soon (if there even is a solution at this stage of this dismal game).

According to an outfit called Staysure – a travel insurance firm – more than half of the great British public refuse to countenance altering their travel plans in the face of ecological collapse.

The insurer surveyed 2,000 people who’d travelled abroad this year, and 53% said they wouldn’t allow global warming/climate change/human extinction to interfere with their ambition to spend two weeks drinking lots of alcohol in a slightly hotter place.

Interestingly, 80% of the respondents said they were concerned about killer heatwaves/boiling oceans/habitat annihilation/devasting flooding, but not enough to be deterred from enjoying the ecstasy of lying next to a swimming pool for a few days.

But there’s good news – for Staysure, that is. Rampant disasters such as wildfires have made holidayers think more seriously about travel insurance, with 36% saying they’d be more likely to get cover in case some climate change-related fiasco pigged-up their trip.

In a mildly philosophical mood, Staysure’s Chief Commercial Officer, Simon McCulloch, waxed that a holiday is one of the few times that humans get to relax and switch off from their everyday lives, momentarily forgetting about the troubles of the world [this could be irony, it certainly feels like it], but that doesn’t always mean a holiday will be trouble free. Oh goodness, no!

It used to be only rogue alligators and drunken tumblings during an evening’s pratfall that adventure-seeking Brits had to worry about – now we’re faced with the delicious prospect of being swept away in a flash flood or of staying in a hotel that’s a little too close to a tinder-dry forest.

Celebrating global warming’s tendency for making the world an increasingly hazardous/unliveable place, Commercial Officer McCulloch beamed: “There’s no doubt that, in one way or another, climate change will impact our holidays in years to come, so it is reassuring to see that more of us are likely to take out travel insurance for that all important protection and peace of mind.

“Researching and investing in a good policy should form part of planning your holiday and could turn out to be just as important as your passport.”

You heard the man – save the pla…sorry, buy travel insurance today!