Good news for bottled water suppliers: rainwater is no longer safe to drink anywhere on earth, research has revealed.

According to H2O probers from the University of Stockholm, bad-for-you levels of ‘forever chemicals’ exist in the popular transparent liquid the skies have been bequeathing us for billions of years.

And now it’s all mostly ruined by poly-fluoroalkyl substances (PFAS) – human-made chemicals that don’t break down in the environment.

Another triumph! If it turns out we’ve been renting the planet all this time from some kind of galactic landlord, I think we can safely assume our deposit’s long gone.

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In the wacky universe of energy production, it goes something like this: firstly, exhume and incinerate all the fossil fuels (because unsafe it may be but stuff the snowflakes (both types) etc); secondly, build lots of potentially lethal but on the whole reasonably reliable nuclear power plants; finally, and at a push, tap into the bountiful supply of energy that nature freely emits (solar, wind, hydro etc) but only then somewhat grudgingly.

And guess what: turns out the nuclear option is causing issues in stifling France, where five plants have been given permission to pump more-than-normally-allowed quantities of hot water into already hazardously warm rivers, as the country desperately tries to navigate yet another energy crisis.

Of course, these discharges are in no way beneficial to the wildlife that reside in France’s unfortunate watercourses – but, as has been established the world over, humans don’t unduly concern themselves with the fate of rivers.

Head of Nuclear Stuff, Claude L’eau Chaude, said: “C’est la vie.”

No, he didn’t. I made him up. Find out what real people trying to explain this fresh calamity have to say here.

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Latest estimates have it that the typical UK household will see annual fuel bills hit around the £4,200 mark in April – an exceptional bonanza for energy firms and the shareholders that joyously suckle from their cash-plump teats.

However, turns out things are already firmly favourable for suppliers, while being dire for consumers: a slick £1.6bn in back payments currently sits on the fuel firms’ books.

Around six million homes owe suppliers an average of £206, according to Uswitch, whose head of policy, Justina Miltienyte, spake: “This is an alarming situation, as summer is traditionally a time when households are using less power for heating, which helps bill payers to build up energy credit ahead of the winter.”

At least these outstanding profits are being invested into renewable energy schemes, meaning bills will come down in the future and our planet will be saved. I’ve made this bit up. Read more here.

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Remember the first story in this roundup about rainwater being wrecked? Here’s some more gloomy news: climate change is, on top of everything else, creating fine conditions for diseases that assail humankind to thrive.

Researchers at the University of Hawai’i trawled through more than 77,000 scientific papers to find out if climatic annihilation is having an impact on 375 transmissible diseases. Turns out, it is!

The presumably quite terrified university team discovered more than 1,000 ways in which our bungled management of the climate could likely exacerbate awful diseases.

Researcher Camilo Mora composed this sinister line: “It’s the Pandora’s box that we’re unlocking with climate change.”

So, there’s that as well. Here’s the story.